Friday, August 16, 2013

To those caught in the crossfire

My heart is filled with bitterness and pain. The overflow of hurt manifests itself as anger, because that is easier to feel. It is cruel and it is destructive. But because i am a people-pleaser, and go out of my way to bring joy and ease to those around me, I would sooner die than strike a wound that might ruin a relationship. And so my anger - no matter what or who might be the cause of it - bites those closest to me. Those whose love is without conditions. Those who i know i can never drive away; no matter how deep the wound. I aim my attacks at the unconditional. Because it is safe. Because i could not bear the result of the alternative.

So, to those caught in the crossfire - to my husband, my God, my family, my closest of friends - i offer the most sincere of apologies. For those i have hurt: i apologize. For those who have had blame placed on them where none was merited: forgive me. For the screaming, for the insults, for taking advantage of your love for me: i beg you to absolve me, undeserving of it as i am. I rest in the fact that i know you will, but i humbly ask anyway.

Here's the thing; the disgusting truth: I am far from perfect. It is a quality i will never possess. I spent a long time refusing to accept that. I needed perfection. A lack of such would be weakness, and weakness is the cause of all hurt and failure. Hurt and failure beget bitterness, and bitterness, pain. See my vicious cycle here? But the reality that i cannot escape from is that perfection is not within my reach. There is nothing i can do to change that. 

Here is the redemption: He who lives in me is perfect. His blood covers my heinous depravity. His strength extends beyond my weakness. He is peace when i am anger. He is love and forgiveness where i would let bitterness corrode. He is hope where despair threatens to smother. He is healing my brokenness, and shattering my fears. 

So bear with me. I am a work in progress. I am broken, and leaking, but i am being patched. And while i will never be perfect, i will always have scars, but i will be beautiful in spite of them. Or maybe even because of them.  Perfection is not an attribute i can attain, but i can come closer. I can strive for it, and where i fall short He will brige the gap.

I am healing. It is a journey. It is a process. And in the meantime, there will be anger. There will be bitterness. There will be hurt, and frustration, and fear, and tears.