It seems my mantra lately has been "Just breathe". Repeated over and over again in my head, and sometimes out loud because it seems my head is not convincing enough.
Deep, cleansing breaths that clear my head and reinforce my stubborn need to keep pushing. In. Out. Again.
We are three months into the year. Not quite, even. 87 days. It has been a lifetime. I feel like everything has changed in 2014, my entire life has come up for review. And yet, nothing is different.
Every door is open, and yet my days are haunted with the echoes of them creaking closed.
I cannot move fast enough.
I move too fast.
I know nothing.
My head is over loaded with knowledge.
There are too many choices.
There is no choice. I am stuck.
Stationary.
But spinning.
Terror.
Excitement.
Peace.
Anxiety.
Stillness...
The God that i serve is incredible. He is so much bigger than my confusion. He is so sure and quiet while i run scared and chaotic.
How do we know what the will of God is?
How do we differentiate His desires from our selfish dreams?
All my life i have promised that i would go anywhere, EVERYWHERE, He asked me to. What if He asks me to stay?
BREATHE.
Haggard, struggling, broken breaths. Fear prickles in the back of my brain. Whispers that i am wrong, that i am missing it, overwhelm me. My knees buckle. My throat constricts.
Breathe.
Peace.
Panic.
How the two intermingle so perfectly i never will know.
