The Journey to Help Meet

    A friend and I have been going through a book together called "Created To Be His Help Meet". I read it myself over two years ago when the now hubby and I were just dating and I was living in Albania and he in Texas. I wont say there were not parts of the book that resonated with me the first time through, but I will say that I do not think it had much of an effect on the way I viewed life, marriage, and the kind of wife I was going to be. At the time i read it, it was much too easy to write most of the content of the book as "other people's problems" and let it slide right off my arrogant self. Surely this was not a struggle WE would have. My husband and I loved each other. Our marriage was centered on Christ. These people clearly had deeper issues.

   Now, don't get me wrong - I never once prescribed to the lie that Hubs and I would never fight. We shattered that illusion enough times while we were just dating. But I did believe that we would always love enough to be selfless; to put to other's wants, needs, feelings before our own. To let our petty arguments go for the sake of peace and joy in our home. I believed that we would never bite with our words, never purposely strike each other in ways we knew would hurt out of some prideful need to get our point across, or have the last word.

   Surely, he would never make me cry, or if he did than the instant he realized how he had hurt me, the subject would be dropped, his point conceded, and his only desire to comfort me.

   Surely, I would never be spiteful enough to lash out at him in front of his friends, to belittle him, and disrespect him. Surely, it would be my one and constant desire to build him up and praise him and brag on him to any one and everyone who would listen.

  Ignorant child was I. And so, in my ignorance, I read and skimmed and ignored. I took no advise, gained no insight, and missed a chance to change BEFORE things got hard.

   Let me just say that I love my husband. He is God's greatest gift to me. Our marriage is not "in trouble." There is not a day that I have EVER regretted my decision to make a life with him. I can not imagine how I could function without him. The past two years have been the best of my life. However, in many ways they have also been the hardest. We are both flawed, fallen human beings and I was a fool to think that, at the age of 19, I could walk into this life-change with nothing to learn.

   And, so, about a month ago a friend and I (after a long conversation filled with tears and hurt and joy and finally coming to the conclusion that we are silly children playing at this thing called marriage, with no real idea how to do any of it, but that we want to learn, we want to grow, to be better women, wives, and eventually mothers ) I was reminded of this book and mentioned it to her and within the hour we had purchased two copies from the nearest bookstore.

   We are only two chapters in, but I have to say that my experience in the reading this time around has been night and day from the first. I am no longer ignorant to my need to change. I entered this time with a broken will, and a willing heart. It has made all the difference in the world. It is not a light, easy read this time around. There will be no skimming. Already, I have found myself in tearful prayer more times than I can count. How far I am from who I want to be. How very much I have to learn.
  
  I ask that all of you keep me and my friend in your prayers as we walk this journey together; as we seek what the will of God is for us as wives and future moms. Pray that we will be humbled and willing to let God teach and mold us into the help meets He has created us to be.

To those caught in the crossfire

My heart is filled with bitterness and pain. The overflow of hurt manifests itself as anger, because that is easier to feel. It is cruel and it is destructive. But because i am a people-pleaser, and go out of my way to bring joy and ease to those around me, I would sooner die than strike a wound that might ruin a relationship. And so my anger - no matter what or who might be the cause of it - bites those closest to me. Those whose love is without conditions. Those who i know i can never drive away; no matter how deep the wound. I aim my attacks at the unconditional. Because it is safe. Because i could not bear the result of the alternative.

So, to those caught in the crossfire - to my husband, my God, my family, my closest of friends - i offer the most sincere of apologies. For those i have hurt: i apologize. For those who have had blame placed on them where none was merited: forgive me. For the screaming, for the insults, for taking advantage of your love for me: i beg you to absolve me, undeserving of it as i am. I rest in the fact that i know you will, but i humbly ask anyway.

Here's the thing; the disgusting truth: I am far from perfect. It is a quality i will never possess. I spent a long time refusing to accept that. I needed perfection. A lack of such would be weakness, and weakness is the cause of all hurt and failure. Hurt and failure beget bitterness, and bitterness, pain. See my vicious cycle here? But the reality that i cannot escape from is that perfection is not within my reach. There is nothing i can do to change that. 

Here is the redemption: He who lives in me is perfect. His blood covers my heinous depravity. His strength extends beyond my weakness. He is peace when i am anger. He is love and forgiveness where i would let bitterness corrode. He is hope where despair threatens to smother. He is healing my brokenness, and shattering my fears. 

So bear with me. I am a work in progress. I am broken, and leaking, but i am being patched. And while i will never be perfect, i will always have scars, but i will be beautiful in spite of them. Or maybe even because of them.  Perfection is not an attribute i can attain, but i can come closer. I can strive for it, and where i fall short He will brige the gap.

I am healing. It is a journey. It is a process. And in the meantime, there will be anger. There will be bitterness. There will be hurt, and frustration, and fear, and tears. 

The ones that haunt my dreams

There are children dying every day. Babies that need to be rescued. Innocents that don't even know to fight for themselves. Beautiful babies who need a mother to love and teach them. 

I want to be that mother. I want to hold their hands, cradle their faces, and bring them into better lives. I want to sing them to sleep, read them stories, kiss their heads. I want to show them they are worth more than the situations they were born into. 

My heart yearns to help the precious people who can't help themselves. To intercede, to defend, to protect. This feels like a good thing. Is it not a noble cause? A grand dream? It's good and true and holy. God commanded, one could even argue. Yet I find the paths of my life taking me farther and farther away from it. I wonder if I will ever see my dreams. Everyday children die and i can't help but think that I could stop it. Even if it was just for one, I could stop it. 

The faces of broken children, battered, starving, shunned, shattered; these are the faces that haunt me . I see them in my dreams. I see Cleo in Albania,  smiling up at me, and running down the church hall to give me hugs and kisses. I see the bruises on his face from his stepdad, I see pain no child should have to go through. I see tiny Roma kids begging on the streets for their parents. I see babies sleeping on torn and tattered blankets on the street corner. I see starving kids with distended bellies and flies on their hair waving from trees. I see kids who I've never met, but I know their faces. I know their eyes. I see them in my dreams. 

I want to transform those faces. To teach them joy. Show them love. Give them hope. What if I never get to? Can I live with these faces for the rest of my life of God never lets me walk down that path? 

A wretch like me

Sometimes, I am so ungrateful it astounds me. Is there no limit to my selfish humanity? 
Yesterday I came home from work to find that my incredible, amazing husband had spent all day working on the laundry that I've let pile up, AND straightened up the living room. Was I grateful? Yes, I was, and I told him so too. 

For about 3 minutes, at which point I decided to kibitz and moan because the hadn't put the clothes away properly (which just means he didn't do it the way I would have) and some of my shirts had wrinkled ('cause I work with a six-month-old and crawl around on the floor and get spit up on all day...clearly un-wrinkled shirts are an important part of the professional image I work so hard to keep up). 

Really?! Even I think I'm crazy? What in me allows such a reaction as this? I should have responded with overwhelming gratitude. I HATE laundry. The man I love knows me well enough to know this, and took time out of his busy day to ease my burden. Where were the hugs? The squealing in excitement? The exuberant thanks that should have poured out of me? What possesses me to hone in on the one thing that was less than 'perfectly' (only in my opinion) done? 

10 years from now will I complain that my husband never helps out around the house? Never does the chores? Never lets me have a break? Shame on me if I do. Because if any of these things are true it is solely because my ingratitude brought us to that point. My lack of respect and love and appreciation would be enough to make anyone throw their hands in the air and give up. My sweet, amazing, sacrificing husband will only put up with so much of my misplaced criticism, and when he stops trying - it will be no one's fault but my own. 

Let's talk about Job...

I've always struggled with the story of Job. I find it hard to grasp the concept of a God who would tell Satan 'have at it, do what you want to him, try to break him, I dare you'. I don't like this image of my God. This is a God who abandons. This does not compute with my idea of a God of love, mercy, and justice. Where are promises like 'plans to prosper and not to 
harm'? 

In one fell swoop God throws all love and affection out the window. Gone is my assurance that God provides and cares for us. Decimated are the securities and trust I have built on His unending Grace and all powerful loving kindness. 

Job was not a bad man. This was a man' blameless and upright'. Of righteous men there was no better. So if even He is subject to the unchecked wrath of Satan; if God allows even this man, this great and holy man, to suffer such devastating heartbreak - what chance can I possibly have? 

Two things occurred to me as I was reading through Job this morning. Two simple concepts that I have never considered before. 

1). Satan only has as much authority and God gives him. His evil, his power to destroy is limited by the God of the universe. 
Satan says: 'I can break this servant of yours. Let me try'. 
God concedes: 'fine, take away his fancy stuff, his family even, but touch not him'. 

When that doesn't work Satan has to come back and ASK for more power. 

Even in this, His seeming abandonment, Job is sheltered, protected, spared. 

2). What incredible confidence God must have had in Job. To believe he would stand firm and righteous no matter what Satan threw at him. The confidence that Job's faith was greater than the blessing he'd been given. It was this confidence that made Satan target Job. This faith that seemed unshakable terrified the prince of darkness. 

If Satan came to God right now, would I even be worth attaking? Would he ask for access to my life, the ones I love? Would he challenge the steadfastness of my faith under fire? Would I even be worth his time? Does my faith terrify? Or am I already to shaky to stand, even on solid ground? 

I wonder if God has confidence in me. If He did, would my life be so easy right now? Or would I be constantly under attack by the powers of darkness that are threatened by my light? Should I yearn for oppression? Because it means I'm doing this right? Making an impact? Scaring the beejeebees out of the devil? 

What good is it doing?

What's keeping you from being happy? From letting go? Relaxing? Resting in the shadow of Christ? What are you stressing about? Money? School? Your job? Your husband's job? The kids? The car? Is it helping? To stress? 

I stress so badly. I have very physical reactions to stress. I make myself sick, I waste away all my energy, I get dizzy spells and migraines and vomiting, all because of worry over things that are out of my control. Most of which I have no reason to be worried about. 

My stressing to the point of illness is not solving any of the problems I am stressing about. Fainting spells are not going make me work harder, and make more money so I don't have to worry about bills every month. Exhausting myself with anxiety is not going to help me find more time to spend cleaning the house and doing to books and all the other things I never have time to do. Stress is not a good study aid. It won't help you raise good kids with good morals. It's not going to get your car fixed, patch the leak in your roof, and make dinner for your family. So why let it control you? 

Here's a question: do you believe in the sovereignty of God? I like to say I do. I love to give other people advice like 'trust in God'; 'you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you'; 'God says He knows the plans that He has for you'; 'all thing work together for good, you know'. I have trouble taking this advice myself. 

I'm an over achiever. I like to have control. I like to handle things myself, and i deliberately avoid situations I know I can't control. Despite all my hard work to run my life smoothly: things go wrong. The unforeseeable happens, and i don't have the tools to get through it. I struggle along on my own for a while. Trying to rig up a solution with the things I have on hand, just fix it enough to keep bumbling along for a while. Till the next thing breaks down, and I'm even more tired, and it gets harder and harder to keep going. Keep making it. 

This is when I *choose* to turn to God. All of a sudden I start spouting demands and reminding Him that He's supposed to be taking care of me. He promised; it's His job. So where is He now? Can't He see I need Him? Isn't He all powerful? Can't He fix this? 

You don't get it both ways. You don't get to worry AND trust. If you expect miracles from the omnipotent, stop stressing and trying to control within the finite realm of your humanity. Let God be God. Put your life in His hands, and step back. But you can't give Him half of it. And you can't keep trying to take it back. 

Use everything

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I have not a single bit of talent left, and I could say 'I used everything You gave me'". 
     - Erma Bombeck 


Take a look around you. What are you doing with your life? Are you using every bit of everything God gives you? If not, why not? What's holding you back? Are you afraid? Ashamed? Insecure? Are you too comfortable where you are? Are you too scarred? Too convinced you're too broken? Are you too set in your routine? Too focused on your responsibilities? Too stressed? Too burned out? Too young? Too old? Too poor? Too weak? Too immature? Too wise to waste your time? 

You're not. 

You didn't ask for your talents. You didn't pick them. You're born with them. They're not always what you want them to be, and we are all too ready to compare them to someone - everyone - else's. We are all too ready to find the flaws. The excuses. The reasons to cast them away. Ignored. Or maybe used, but as hobbies. Always convincing ourselves and those around us that it could never amount to anything 'real'. 

Here's a secret. God gave you your talents. He handpicked them specifically because He thinks you are worthy of them. (stop and think about that a minute. GOD THINKS YOU CAN DO INCREDIBLE THINGS!) He wants you to USE them. Not halfway, not half-heartedly. He wants you to use them up. Scrape the bowl, lick the spoon, and come begging for more. 

Sure, there's probably someone out there who's better, more suited, more equipped more...everything. It doesn't matter. Do it anyway. GO anyway. Take the dreams God gave you and follow them till you've exhausted every resource. Then, follow them farther. What greater insult to the God of the Universe than to waste the talent He so graciously gave you. And here's the best part: you can't fail. You cannot fall short. You can climb as high as your limbs will take you. He wants to see you chase your dreams. He wants to see you reach further and further, to grander and grander things.

What do you want? 

Do you want to be content? Comfortable? Safe? Bored your whole life? 

Or do you want to see just how far you can go, before you have nothing left to use? 

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes

  I spend so much of my time, breath, and energy being negative. Especially this time of year. I strongly advise against spending your summer in Texas. The heat is oppressive, the days long, the sun blinding and the humidity suffocating. I don't do well inside. I love to hike and bike and rock climb spend my afternoons on the lawn with a book. 111 degrees is not exactly a conducive environment for strenuous outdoor activities,  particularly for those with a propensity for heat stroke. 
  Focusing on the negative is nearly as exhausting as the summer sun. It drains me and makes it so much harder to relax and have fun at anything. I have seen how my discontent spirit effects those around me. I've seen how it hurts my husband, how it strains my relationships, how much of a roadblock it is for my ministry. Part of me is tempted to just tell everyone to go away until the heat does. Sorry, guys. I'm just going to be crappy company for the next while. Come back around in October. 
  Or, maybe I just need to instill some positivity in my life. Seems a lot less lonely of an option. 
  I want to challenge myself to dwell on the beautiful. I have seen photo journals and hashtags of 1000 things going around. I've not read the book these are based off (although, it is on my list), but my understanding is that the point is to make a list of a thousand things for which you are thankful. I. Love. This. I don't want to reference a book I haven't read, so i won't refer to mine as '1000 things', but I am going to start a photo journal of 'a year of favourites'. Things I love, things I am grateful for, things that make me smile. At least one a day (although, I am hoping as I enter a spirit of joy and thankfulness, it will be many more than that. Join me, if you so desire. I'd love to see your list. 

Easy Jesus

  Yesterday the sneaker-clad hubby and I invested in a tandem kayak. We have been dreaming and scheming about this purchase for at least the last year, and we finally had the funds and found the one we wanted (used, of course) at the same time! We had to drive about 90 miles to get it, and then go to three different stores before we found affordable paddles for both of us in the right sizes, but it was mine! 
  Elated about my long awaited toy I all but begged hubby to take me out on the lake 1/2 a mile from our place the instant we got home. It was more than an instant, but before long we had dressed in swimwear and walked down the boat dock, kayak in hand, into the water. 

  Water is my happy place. Oceans, lakes, rivers, streams, even rain.  I want to be in them, on them, beside them - I'm not picky. I love the look of water, the feel of water, the smell of water. Just being near water makes my stress and worry melt away. Water is where I go to retreat. 
  When I was in Albania and days got really stressful, I would spend my afternoons walking along the coast, breathing in the salt-soaked seabreeze.
  After a long day at work I love to ride my bike to the lake by our house,  bury my feet in the mud and read a good book. Everything is right by the water, and what isn't right is promptly forgotten. 
  I told hubby yesterday as we floated in the middle of the lake and watched the sunset -  my paddle in my lap, my leg hung over the edge, feet immersed in water - that i wouldn't mind if we sat here forever (or at least a day or two). Why go home to be greeted by piles of laundry and a sink full of dishes? Why get up and go to work in the morning? Just to come home,  make dinner,  clean up and do it all over again? All is vanity and striving after wind. This is bliss. 

  I love the water because I have this one perfect view of it. MY water is calm and cool, it let's me swim in it's depths,  or float on it's surface. It carries me where I want to go,  but only as quickly or as slowly as I choose to paddle. In MY water, I am in control. It is merely there to be enjoyable. 
  But there is a whole other side of water that I have never even seen. It is the water that falls so hard homes are devastated by flood. It is the water of hurricanes, that sweeps planes off the asphalt. It is the water of giant waves that buries unsuspecting surfers and swimming children. The water that makes seasoned fisherman quake with fear and call out to any God that will hear them. I have no experience with this water. I hope I never will. I want water on my terms. 

  My relationship with Christ has been much like this lately. I yearn to be near the God of peace, to be wrapped in His embrace, sheltered under His loving wings. I want a God of rainbows and butterflies. A God that grants me the desires of my heart, that showers me with love and affection, and holds me when I am hurting. I want a God that takes away my stress, a God that will let me float along forever and forget my responsibilities. But I want God on my terms. I want to come to Him when it suits my schedule. I want to reap all the benefits of His love,  but make none of the sacrifices. I want an easy Christianity. Where I only have to paddle as fast as I feel like,  and i can let the gentle current do most of the work for me. I want to be able To climb in and out as I see fit. 
  But God is not always a gentle current. God, also, has another side that I am wholly unfamiliar with. Yes, my God is a loving and merciful father. He is also a jealous and just king. The same God who saved the disciples from the storm is the God who sent a flood to destroy all but six of the human population. The God who shut the months of the lions around Daniel is the same God who struck dead Ananias and Sapphira.  
  The God we serve is so great and so powerful,  we cannot expect to be able to choose when and how He gets our service. We cannot expect the saving Grace and the loving kindness unless we are willing to carry our cross for Him. We cannot expect that life will just be easy sailing. We are commanded to leave all we have and follow Him. His righteousness. DEMANDS absolute obedience. There is no halfway. There is no easy Jesus.